SCARED

It's official, I'm in the "scared" stage.  I think I preferred the shock stage, there was something a little more comforting in that stage.  Two days til surgery and I'm getting nervous.  I really wish Aaron could be with me until they put me out.  I am such a baby, but with him by my side I can seem to get through it better.  Too bad the medical folks won't allow it.  I've been thinking  a lot today about how people get through stuff like this without a supportive partner.  Poor Aaron gets to see all of me; the sad and scared, the cranky and moody, the snippy and emotional.  And somehow he can handle it all.

The waiting truly is the hardest part.  My friend Anita, who knows me inside out, put it well on Sunday.  She said I'm a planner and problem solver.  Give me the details and what needs to be done and I go to it.  Right now I'm out of my element and she is so right.  Of course this doesn't count in the area of housework or home repairs (right Paula?) .  Dealing with this, has meant having no control over the process or outcome and I think this is where my fear comes from.  The scary unknown.  I guess this fear is also a test of my patience, because the reality is I just have to go through this.

What's helping right now is keeping busy.  I can't seem to handle being at home by myself.  It's been great talking to friends and family.  Talking for me helps me process my feelings, so many thanks to the abundance of listening ears.  And this too, writing about what is going on in my head, trying to decipher the many moods and thoughts.  For a total escape I turn to reading.  My neighbor and friend Robyn has aided my addiction to romance literature.  Thank you Robyn.

To end on a lighter note - my sister called me the other day and said "You know when someone has a wedding planned and decides not to go through with it at the last moment?  They are suppose to return all the gifts.  Is that going to be the same with you?  If it turns out that you don't have cancer will you have to somehow return all the gifts, kindness and favor?"