My Last Blog -What I Have Learned From My 57 Day Journey

This will be my last post on my blog.  It has been an amazing way for me to express my thoughts and feelings, and I thank Joe and Glynis for suggesting it.  I may even say it was very therapeutic, but I certainly would not want to stop anyone from pursuing therapy (I have to keep my profession thriving).
Aaron and I had an amazing conversation about what the last 57 days have taught us.  I won't disclose his learnings, you'll have to bug the doc about that.  But, here, today, I wanted to share with you what I've learned and the changes that have occurred in my thoughts and beliefs.
1. My biggest learning from this journey has been my overwhelming awareness of the love and support that surrounds me.  They say (whoever they are) that through tough times you see who you can count on.  It is so true.  I have an awesome family and great friends and I guess I knew I could count on them.  What overwhelmed me was the extent of the generosity and support by not only my immediate family and friends but my church family and the many people in my community.  In fact the many supportive gestures from people I did not even know previous to this ordeal.  People are truly kind creatures, filled with love and tenderness.  I have seen it first hand.
2. When I first let my mind drift to the possibility that if this was cancer I could die, my first thought was that I can't, I'm a mother and Shawn and Irelande need me still.  This was such a strong thought for me, it wasn't debatable or negotiable.  I don't often think about my role as a mom in such a conscious way but this experience has taught me how important it is.  My girls need me, they need their mother.  Shawn may be 21, almost 22, but there is still so much for me to teach her and show her.  And Irelande and I have a bond that can never be replaced and she needs that to grow and thrive.
3. When I have ever heard of someone struggling with cancer it is usually at the stage where they are receiving chemotherapy treatments.  And I admit, that after my initial sympathy and sadness for them, I would often forget or not realize what it must be like.  Having experienced these 57 days, I now realize the pain and suffering that can go on, even before a confirmed diagnosis or treatment.  My family and friends have lived this process with me; the many medical tests and appointments, the constant worrying and wondering, battling with your mind to "not go there".  The waiting is nothing like I've been through before.  The hours spent waiting for the next phone call, the net test result, the next scheduled meeting.  Did I learn patience, I don't think so, but I was forced to have it.  I will never think lightly again about another's medical journey.  It is so much more than getting the diagnosis and getting treatment.
4. In the summer before I was first hospitalized, I was really struggling with my weight, having gained, once again.  I was so down, I found that I didn't want to go to certain functions and certainly didn't want some people to see me.  After that first strike of pain, my body focus changed dramatically.  I can become so focused on my body size and this journey has taught me that what is so much more important is the health of my body.  Being threatened with the possibility of cancer really moves you from, I wish I could just lose 20 pounds to please let my body be strong enough to fight this.
5. Humor has always been important to me, especially between Aaron and I.  We think we are pretty dam funny!!  This 57 day journey has re-taught me the importance of humor and laughter.  Sometimes God just puts us on a path that we have no control of but how we react is up to us.  Don't get me wrong, I've had more than my share of tears but there were times when it was such a relief to laugh, to make a joke, to be silly.  It helped to ease the pain in my heart.  Let me share a funny story.  Once the oncologist prepared me for the worst I began bugging my friends that if I lost my hair because of chemo I expected them to shave their heads in support.  this started much debate.  My one friend (who will remain nameless) said she really wanted to do what she could to be supportive but had been giving this head shaving expectation a lot of thought.  She had decided that she really couldn't do it, "I have a funny shaped head and my features are sharp, I just would look ridiculous".  She did reassure me though, saying she did come up with a way to show her support, she would get a brazilian wax!!!

6. I don't think this has been a new learning but rather a re-affirmation - I have the best husband ever and with him at my side I have the strength to go through anything.  As most of you know Aaron, you know he's a solid, reliable man.  When crises hit, he is the one best able to manage and stay calm.  This crisis was no different.  There were lots of times when I was beyond scared but I just turned to him for support and strength.  He was with me every step of the way, and that was never debatable, every appointment, every test I had to get and even staying overnight with me in the hospital when I was feeling too vulnerable to be on my own.  God brought Aaron into my life and has blessed our marriage in so many ways.  I am so beyond lucky!

7. My final learning I wanted to share was my experience that prayers are answered.  I truly believe that my not having cancer is a result of the hundreds of prayers people have said for me.  Once again an example of the support that has surrounded me.  During my 57 days I actually struggled quite a bit with prayer and in the end I just asked God to listen to the prayers of my friends and family.  I truly believe my miracle came from all of you.

10 Best Things About Cancer

When this whole ordeal started for me 8 weeks ago, my friends, Aaron and I started talking about what the good things about having cancer are.  You know us, sometimes black humor just gets you through the really scary things in life.  Here is the list we came up with, it puts a smile on my face!!

1. Just another opportunity to make a fashion statement with really cool wigs, my heart was set on a kick ass Jessica Simpson or a rocker Cher one.

2. I could finally wear a hat, with all my hair hats don't fit or if they do they are way too hot with all the hair, baseball caps here I come

3. Aaron gets time off work and we all know how much Aaron loves that - not that we are saying he's lazy

4. With ovarian cancer they do a full hysterectomy which means no more period - every woman over 40's dream

5. The "cancer" rate at hotels.  At our first appointment in London we stayed over night in a hotel and I mentioned to Aaron to ask for a discounted rate because we are going to the hospital.  When we checked in he asked the front desk clerk if there was a "cancer" rate and without blinking an eye the young lad said absolutely, if you have an appointment at the hospital.  Aaron just has his way of asking things!!!

6. When you are too lazy to do housework nobody judges you, you have cancer for crying out loud, housework is the least of your worries

7. You get to graciously back away from committee work and fund raising commitments without having to feel guilty because you are now in the "needy" group

8. You get gifts galore!!  I mean really nice stuff, really thoughtful things, people are so generous

9. Oh, the meals!  And you know how much I love to eat.  You would not believe the delicious food people send your way - yummy!

10. Many of my friends assured me of the guaranteed weight loss - but I was pretty convinced that I would be the only person getting chemo treatments looking plump and rosy cheeked - I never lose my appetite, no matter what

The Pathology Report

Yesterday Aaron and I drove to London for the pathology report from my surgery.  I wasn't feeling the greatest, my incision has been hurting since I developed a cold.  Every time I coughed or blew my nose I felt like something was ripping inside of me.  In between my catnaps in the car Aaron and I talked about the upcoming appointment and praying that it would be the last.  My "cancer" journey has been short but yet long enough for me.  

We met with the surgeon, Dr. Lanvin and shared the good news that there were no cancerous cells detected!!!!  You can't believe the relief I felt.  Even though he told me after the surgery that everything would be okay I really needed to know the pathology report looked good.  Dr. Lanvin expressed again how he has never seen anything like this before and that in his experience the CA 125 level was an almost definite that it would be cancer.  Aaron and I have had many talks about this and we truly believe that this has been a miracle and that this miracle has come about because of prayer and all the well wishes from family, friends and even people we do not know.  I believe it has been the accumulation of all these prayers that have helped to alter the outcome of this journey for me and to say I'm thankful can't even begin to describe how I feel.

From British Columbia, where LeeAnn's mom's prayer group was praying for me to my aunt in Newfoundland, from Aaron's boss putting a prayer note in the Wailing Wall in Israel for me to my parents friend, Mimi who is Hindu who was doing chants for me.  From all my friends and church family here in Drayton to all our friends and family across North America, so many prayers and well wishes.

I still have a somewhat lengthy recovery ahead of me, Dr. Lanvin reminding me to do NOTHING for the next four to six weeks.  But, it still feels like a small price to pay.  When Aaron and I left the Cancer Center in London yesterday we both expressed our hope that we would never have to come back.  I looked around the waiting room as I was leaving and I sent a blessing to all the people sitting there, hoping that they would receive news like mine and if that wasn't their path that they would have the support and love to help them on their journey.  I have had the smallest taste of what the journey may entail and I do not wish it upon anyone.   I never want to forget this experience, I want to keep it in mind every time I hear of someone having to go down this path for it is one of the hardest things to go through.

Road To Recovery

It's been 10 days since my surgery and I'm slowly getting around with less and less pain.  I'm looking forward to my appointment at the London Cancer Clinic on Thursday to get the results of the pathology report so I can "officially" move on from this chapter of my life.  This week I have been filled with many emotions and thoughts (and probably most from the lovely painkillers they prescribed me).  I've been thinking so much about the love that surrounds me and my family during this ordeal.   I've never experienced anything like this before.  I love to send cards and flowers and am always game to participate in a meal schedule for someone in need.  It's never an inconvenience and I enjoy connecting with someone in need.  It's no big deal.  but, experiencing the giving from this end is awesome and amazing and very overwhelming.  People that are negative about the generosity of the human spirit just need to live my life for a week.  We have received gestures and gifts, big and small and each has added to this cozy blanket of love that has surrounded Aaron, Shawn, Irelande and myself.  Each kind word, prayer for continued healing, generous gift and delicious meal has added to this blanket, forming a whole that reflects the amazing people in my life.  And when I am struggling with the reality of healing from surgery and the frustration of limited mobility this blanket of love and kindness has been a soothing relief.

To each and everyone who has given to us so selflessly I am so thankful.  Every day I receive wonderful cards, some inspiring, some funny, all heartfelt, I've been given the most amazing gifts, each with a story and a wish for inner peace and a speedy recovery, my dear friend Dale has delivered the most gorgeous flowers and they bring a smile to my face every time I see them , my sister being my sister and knowing me inside out has kept me outfitted in the best pajamas (sisters always know the right size, style and fabric), our generous friends, the Hiddema's know what a woman needs when she's out of commission and we are so, so thankful (my house is so clean and tidy), and to brother Andrew, taking care of Aaron's hotel stay while I was in the hospital was beyond generous and thoughtful - you kind, kind man, the help and support with Irelande has taken such a burden from my shoulders (and Helen, I do appreciate how you make it seem like I'm doing you a favour by letting her come for a play with Abby).  The visits have been so enjoyable and for many it has meant much travel and taking time away from your own family.   Being surrounded by the people I love has helped my recovery tremendously (and Terry, I will admit the Godiva chocolates you brought did add to my appreciation of the visit).  And the meals!!!  You know we love our food and my dear sweet man hates to cook.  It is so comforting to not even have to give it a second thought about a meal.  Anita has stocked my freezer and she knows how much I love her cooking (that cheese capaletti was low fat, right) and Paula has organized the meal schedule and I love you both for it.  And this doesn't include the many, many meals people have dropped off (Shelda you are a genius for giving us the goody bag for the hospital, it was perfect).  The kind words and continued prayer has topped off this giving in such a splendid way.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone but I also wanted you to know that your kindness helps so much.  When I have said thank you, my dear friends, you often reply, "it's no big deal" but I want each of you to know it is a big deal.  It does help, it has made things better for me and my family.  The many gestures of kindness have surrounded me like a blanket with love and peace.

A True Miracle

When I first saw Aaron after my surgery on Thursday he had a grin pasted on his face and I thought what is he so happy about?  I am in extreme pain, not only has my stomach been ripped open it feels like it has been!!  Aaron asked if I knew what happened and I said no.  He then shared the amazing news; I don't have cancer, it is endometriosis, the surgeon removed what he had to remove and I'm going to be fine.  Shocked, surprised, oh so thankful (and yes, very fuzzy from the morphine).  These are the moments I wish I could put into words but I just can' t seem to find the phrases or sentences to do it justice.  The surgeon was more shocked than most and when he spoke with me he was almost apologetic.  I assured him that I do not feel ill towards him in any way, I am so happy and relieved that he was able to deliver this amazing news.  Dr. Lanvin shared that he has never experienced this with another patient, all the test results pointed very obviously to ovarian cancer and he believed he really had to prepare Aaron and myself for this diagnosis.  My symptoms did not in any way suggest endometriosis and in his experience he had never had a patient with such a high CA125 level where it was not ovarian cancer.  My left ovary and fallopian tube were removed and the lining was also removed.

My pure happiness helped my time in the hospital and I was released on Saturday.  I probably should have been kept longer but what can I say, I am like my father, I just wanted to go home so I may have slightly sugar coated my pain level.

Aaron survived the surgery wait and then enjoyed the great news with his brother Andrew and sister Marian who were with us in London.  They were all smiles when I saw them in my hospital room after the surgery.  At that moment we all agreed it was a miracle.  I truly believe that all the prayers being said for me from one end of Canada to the next and all the positive energy sent my way led to this outcome.  Some things science cannot explain.

I do indeed feel like I've been given my life back.  I'm at home, slowly moving around, taking my pain meds regularly, fighting with Aaron about needing to sit down more and thanking God that I do not need to go down the path of cancer with chemotherapy and endless medical appointments.  I see Dr. Lanvin on October 23rd for the full pathology report but have been told to have no worries about this.  My recovery will be about 6 weeks and then I can resume typical activities and begin seeing clients again.  My heart is filled with happiness and gratitude.

Night Before Surgery

It's almost 9 pm, the night before my surgery.  I've changed the sheets on the bed, have tried to get caught up on laundry (and have failed miserably), written lists for everyone, packed a suitcase for Irelande for her weekend at Mimi's and Poppy's and have driven Shawn crazy with a million and one reminders.  Shawn is kindly placating me by nodding and saying nicely, "yes Mom, I know that".  My body is filled with nervousness, an agitation, an energy running through my veins.  My stomach is stressed, the stereotypical "full of knots".

I have this newly developed needle phobia.  It first happened when I got my nose pierced and poor Daphne and Andrew and Irelande were with me.  Since then the thought of any needle pushes me towards a panic attack.  I know a majority of it is in my head but the very kind nurse who did my pre-op meeting last week assured me that because my blood pressure is so low I am very susceptible  to fainting with the least bit of nervousness.  So when I think of tomorrow I worry about my worry, IV's don't go in easily so I'm afraid of how I will react.  I just need to be at the spot where they are putting me under.  Any other surgeries I have had, I have just wanted to get to the "putting under" stage and then I knew I would be fine, I could handle the recovery.  This time, hanging over my head is the big CANCER diagnosis.  It's weird to be going into surgery awaiting the unknown.  What will they find when they open me up?  Will it be cancerous cells, will there be more masses than any of the tests have shown?  These are the things going through my head.  I just need it to be tomorrow.

Aaron's sister Marian (and my awesome sister in law) is here and will be travelling to London with us.  His brother Andrew will meet us there tomorrow.  They want to be with Aaron during the long wait while I'm in surgery.  And to be there for both of us before hand.   I'm so glad they suggested this.  I'll go into surgery knowing that Aaron has support.  Thanks to both of them.  I know it'll be a long day for everyone  but there was no hesitation on their part.  Andrew made it very clear, we are family and we stick together, that's just what we do.

Off I go to have my bath and read until I can fall asleep.  We have to leave at 4am for London.  I wonder what my next blog entry will say??

SCARED

It's official, I'm in the "scared" stage.  I think I preferred the shock stage, there was something a little more comforting in that stage.  Two days til surgery and I'm getting nervous.  I really wish Aaron could be with me until they put me out.  I am such a baby, but with him by my side I can seem to get through it better.  Too bad the medical folks won't allow it.  I've been thinking  a lot today about how people get through stuff like this without a supportive partner.  Poor Aaron gets to see all of me; the sad and scared, the cranky and moody, the snippy and emotional.  And somehow he can handle it all.

The waiting truly is the hardest part.  My friend Anita, who knows me inside out, put it well on Sunday.  She said I'm a planner and problem solver.  Give me the details and what needs to be done and I go to it.  Right now I'm out of my element and she is so right.  Of course this doesn't count in the area of housework or home repairs (right Paula?) .  Dealing with this, has meant having no control over the process or outcome and I think this is where my fear comes from.  The scary unknown.  I guess this fear is also a test of my patience, because the reality is I just have to go through this.

What's helping right now is keeping busy.  I can't seem to handle being at home by myself.  It's been great talking to friends and family.  Talking for me helps me process my feelings, so many thanks to the abundance of listening ears.  And this too, writing about what is going on in my head, trying to decipher the many moods and thoughts.  For a total escape I turn to reading.  My neighbor and friend Robyn has aided my addiction to romance literature.  Thank you Robyn.

To end on a lighter note - my sister called me the other day and said "You know when someone has a wedding planned and decides not to go through with it at the last moment?  They are suppose to return all the gifts.  Is that going to be the same with you?  If it turns out that you don't have cancer will you have to somehow return all the gifts, kindness and favor?"

Our Friends Are The Best

Aaron loves hanging out with Griffin, Griffin always has something to say - actually he usually has about a million things to say.
Ron is the picture of a strong work ethic.  He's always there to help and never complains.  He's awesome at doing the edges, too.
Here is our little worker boy in his coveralls.  Griffin is too, too cute.

They (whoever they are) say that in times of need you find out who you can really count on.  Let me tell you we have the best of friends.  Over the last few weeks everyone has been so kind and generous.  I've realized that it is easier for me to be the helper rather than the helpee.  But my friends have been amazing, kindly working around my embarrassment, to help in so many ways.  A few days before I first ended up in the hospital, I started removing the wallpaper in my living room, getting it ready to paint.  Since my hospitalization I have never returned to that job.  My chaotic living room has been driving me crazy, but for some reason not enough to give me the energy to do something about it.  

This past Saturday the Kloosters showed up to take over and get the job done.  By the end of the day the wallpaper was removed, the primer on and two coats of paint were up.  As I write I am happy to say my living room is put back together and it looks awesome.  I rearranged all the furniture and I love how it looks.  Aaron is not too keen on it but, him being the smart man that he is, isn't complaining.  He knows not to aggravate a wife that may have cancer - not a good road to go down!!!!

Paula and Ron are so busy with their own lives, to give up a whole Saturday was above and beyond the call of duty.  We are so very thankful and honestly humbled by their kindness.  This is just one of so many kind gestures our friends and family have done.  Our heartfelt thanks to each and every one of you.  Aaron and I have had many conversations about how kind and giving everyone has been.  This kindness has filled our hearts to overflowing.

The Whole Sad Tale

Many folks have been asking me about the details leading up to this point so I thought I'd give you the history here.

August 27, 2008

I had severe abdominal pain, and you all know what a suck I am with pain, and Aaron took me to the hospital.  At the Palmerston Hospital, the doctor on call refused to come in and just ordered the nurse to give me a shot of Demerol for the pain.  Aaron, bless his wisdom, drove me to Grand River Hospital in Kitchener where the emerg doctor was awesome.  Many tests were ordered and I was sent home on the 28th to return on the 29th for a cat scan.

August 29 - 31st

After the cat scan I was admitted to Grand River Hospital because the pain had not subsided and a gastrointerologist was called in.  They were worried about Crohn's Disease as it runs in my family.  I was sent home with two heavy duty antibiotics and a follow up with Dr. Ismaili was scheduled for September 25th.

September 8, 2008

I was called to go into St. Mary's hospital of an ultra sound.  They were to send the results to Dr. Ismaili's office (the gastro doctor).

September 15, 2008

Called into Dr. Ismaili's office, there were concerns about some test results.  Aaron and I went to the appointment obviously worried, I was thinking I had Crohn's disease.  When we went Dr. Ismaili informed me that all the gastro testing was fine and he did not have a concern about Crohn's.  However, test results came back suggesting a concern for ovarian cancer.  The ultra sound had showed a mass in my ovary and I guess the way it was pictured suggested cancer.  Also, I had a CA 125 blood test done, which is a marker for ovarian cancer and the level was extremely high.  The norm for this blood test is 0-35 and my level is 3400.  Some of my other symptoms also suggested cancer.  Dr. Ismaili was going to refer me to a gynecologist and wanted me seem within a couple of weeks.

September 26, 2008

Off to the Cancer Clinic of London Health Sciences, Aaron and I go.  The facility was awesome and I couldn't have asked for better staff.  I was beyond nervous but, you know Aaron, he's my rock (and of course we had much black humour to get us through).  I met with nurses and an intern and then with the oncologist, Dr. Lanvin.  He is a very gently, kind French man.  After all the exams and his review of all my previous testing he broke the news to me.  He stated that he didn't want to be pessimistic but he also wanted to be realistic.  He believes with the various test results it is a good chance that I do have ovarian cancer and suggested surgery.  He also shared with me that chemotherapy will probably have to take place.  He did reassure me that if this is indeed cancer, the treatment success rate is excellent.

In cases where they are not sure whether or not it is  cancer, a laproscopic surgery occurs to remove the ovary.  Because Dr. Lanvin is more positive he explained that I will have a full vertical incision where he will remove the ovary and while I am still under the pathologist will test the cells and if it is cancerous I will have a full hysterectomy.  There are also three other areas that look like cancerous growths, and the doctor will remove them as well.

Two weeks after surgery I will have a follow up appointment with Dr. Lanvin and he will share the full pathology report.  At that time, if it is cancer, I will find out what stage and if chemotherapy is needed.  If chemo is needed my first treatment will be one to two weeks after this appointment.  There will be 6 chemo treatments, one every 21 days.

My surgery is scheduled for Thursday, October 9th at 8 am in London.